A Girl’s Online Dating Profile

I wrote this one night sitting in a McDonald’s parking lot after an unsolicited Tinder dick- pic lit up my phone which was sitting upright on the McDonalds counter while I ordered a coke to go with my rum. Even more cosmically vexing was the fact it was unimpressive.

Dick Pics and Diapers

By Cynthia Stetzer© 9.18.15

-A girl’s online dating profile

Being reintroduced to the dating scene in 2014 and attempting to navigate the online dating hullabaloo bedlam for the first time, it has become painfully apparent the days and ways I know, are long gone.

I have learned by personal experience, much to my chagrin, the disparity between the actual man, versus the pontificated profiles and antiquated profile pics in the never-ending stream of “Just looking for a friend and let’s see where it leads,” otherwise known as “Let’s fuck, and then hookup sometimes when I’m super drunk.”

Not to worry my little jackrabbits, after quiet if not inebriated contemplation, I have unlocked the preverbal key; I have unraveled the convoluted mad-house to “The Art and Mastery of the Online Introduction,” aka “The Real Guy Behind the Dead Deer.”

I have determined that by just going about this a different way and jumping the rails of the never-ending dysfunctional dating train, this new age pandemonium can come to an immediate arboreal halt. This whole convoluted discourse can easily be avoided with a few simple ‘tweaks’ and thereby saving everyone concerned a great deal of valuable time and awkwardness. Let’s call it “Bobbing for Apples.”

Here’s how it works. Before I tell you anything about myself, please forward to me a full-length photo of yourself holding today’s newspaper while standing next to a measuring tape. Preferably in this photo, you won’t be showing off a dead animal, reclining on a Corvette or flexing in a mirror wearing dirty underwear.

It’s entirely possible if not probable, that the queue of women you expect from a profile you conjured up after you stumbled home from the pub at four in the morning, and just before you puked, may be inflated. Keep in mind whippersnapper, when I walk up and introduce myself I’m going to notice that instead of being six feet two inches tall, you are indeed five feet eight inches, thirty pounds heavier and twenty years older than your profile pic. It takes less than a minute to google your name and discover the only ball you have ever played was with your own. Not to mention the board of directors of Fortune 500 companies is public information, as is the Harvard graduating class of 1992.

It’s worth pointing out that the same search results apply to the faculty of the Kimswick YMCA.  Which includes, by the way, the staff photo of you at the summer picnic riding a tricycle, blowing a whistle and wearing a diaper. Not for nothing, but the Worldwide Interweb is full of interesting trivia such as the number of felonies you’ve committed, and your status as a jay-walker.

While I’m at it, you should know that merely declaring you are “funny, intelligent and physically fit,” is not the same as actually being funny, intelligent and physically fit. Furthermore, it takes only minutes after meeting in person to conclude. So if you are dull, slow and carrying the weight of a small kangaroo above your tightly cinched belt, it behooves you to just say so upfront. Why rob all of the women looking for a dull, fat dumbass the man of her dreams?

Once we’ve gotten that out of the way, please know up front that calling me at midnight to “Grab a bottle of wine and come jump in my jacuzzi” as a means of introduction, is frowned upon. Add to that texting me a photocopy of your pay stub, and don’t even get me started on dick-pics. To summarize; girls that have told you how ‘impressive’ you are, more often than not were likely just being kind.

I must admit I never imagined I would be using the words ‘felony, diapers or dick pic’ in my ‘Personal Profile.’ I believe we can now conclude; I am indeed a modern woman.

Cynthia Stetzer©


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